pretty, pretty, shiny, shiny

I’ve had a cold. Did I mention that? I know I did, actually, I just wanted to see if you had been paying attention. Shame on you if you haven’t. What kind of fan are you, anyway? I expect much better from you in the future.

Anyway, my cold never quite got over its commitment phobia. After a while, it decided to settle in my right ear. Which I suppose is much better than having it throughout your whole head, so I’m not complaining. Then it went away. This caused for some sort of celebration, I figured. Movie, snacks, candles. And a bubble bath. Not necessarily all at the same time.

As soon as I’d decided to purty my flat up with candles, I reliced that all my make-the-room-look-real-purty-stuff was still crammed into cardboard boxes from the move. Images of myself throwing things into whichever box happened to be closest whilst cursing The Powers That Be for not having invented self-packing belongings, flashed into my head. I didn’t have the faintest idea which box held my tea-light candleholders and even less inclination to go searching for them. Clearly, I needed new stuff. Not only did I have cause for celebration, I also had an excuse to go shopping. This was turning into a pretty good day.

Now, a few hours later, I’ve watched a couple of movies, my flat is full of luvely light and I’m all pink and wrinkly from my bath. Course, the bubbles turned out to be of the cheap variety and I smell a little bit like a wunderbaum, but you can’t have everything. I suppose.

Never play leapfrog with a unicorn, plus other things you might as well learn:

1. Interchangable parts - won't.


2. Leakproof seals - will.


3. Selfstarters - won't.


4. If you try to please everyone, nobody will like you.


5. A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.


6. Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate


7. Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work.


8. In order to get a loan, you must first prove that you don't need it.


9. The chance of a piece of bread falling buttered side down, is directly proportionate to the prize of the carpet.


10. Anything you try to fix will take longer and cost more than you thought.


11. If it jams - force it. If it breaks it needed to be replaced anyway.


12. If you fool around with a thing for very long, you will screw it up.


13. The repairman will never have seen a model quite like yours before.


14. No matter how long or how hard you shop for an item, as soon as you've bought it, it will be on sale somewhere cheaper.


15. The other line always moves faster.


16. Every solution breeds new problems


17. All warranties expire upon payment of invoice.


18. There is always one more bug.


19. A bird in the hand is better than one overhead.


20. Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral or fattening.


21. Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.


22. Smile... tomorrow will be worse.

A commitment-phobic cold

I have a commitment-phobic cold. Unlike a regular cold, which will creep up on you at the most inconvenient of times, and then reduce you to a flem-soaked, sniffling wreck, a commitment-phobic cold only turns up for a few hours at the time. You feel a slight tingle in your throat as you wake up in the morning. Your head gets woolly while you’re watching your favourite tv show in the evening. What really separates the CP cold from the onset of a regular cold, is the fact that the CP never stays the night.

That’s probably just as well.

Sometimes a commitment-phobic cold might be confused with a shy cold, but there are some very distinguishing marks. A shy cold will rear its little head just as your falling asleep. Or you might wake up at night, not feeling 100 %, with just enough presence of mind to think “I hope I’m not getting sick.” The reason for that is that a shy cold is… well, shy. It would rather not draw too much attention to itself.

Sometimes a CP cold – and sometimes a shy cold, although this is rarer - grows into a full-fledged man-cold. That’s what happens when a CP cold overcomes its fear of commitment and decides that it would rather never leave, and focuses all its attention on you until you’re completely convinced that you’re going to drown in your own mucus.

So let’s hope that doesn’t happen…