The Devil's Dictionary

I love the devil's dictionary. It's got some very funny stuff in it. Like this:

Day, A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent. This period is divided into two parts, the day proper and the night, or day improper - the former devoted to sins of business, the latter concentrated on the other sort. These two kinds of social activity overlap.

Absentee, A person with an income who has had the forethought to remove himself from the sphere of exaction.

Abstainer, A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.

I'm definitly not one of those. I obstain from very little, unless circumstances beyond my control force me to, and I don't give a damn about the large majority of people.

Belladonna, In Italian a beautiful lady; in English a deadly poison. A striking example of he essential identity of the two tongues.

Cabbage, A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head.

Dawn, The time when men of reason go to bed. Certain old men prefer to rise at about that time, taking a cold bath and a long walk with an empty stomach, and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy health and ripe years; the truth bein that they are hearty and old, not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The resaon we find only robust people doing this think is that it has killed all the others who have tried it.

Debauchee, One who has so earnestly pursued pleasure that he has had the misfortune to overtake it.

I want to be a debauchee when I grow up, mummy