The year of funny urges

Sometime after I moved here, aliens abducted me and implanted a personality-altering probe into my brain. Ever since I've been having these insane urges, and that's the only logical explanation I can think of.

I used to have a very high tolerance for dust bunnies and clutter. Not that I was a dirty slob, or anything. I just enjoyed the lived-in look. These days... not such a big fan. Boy actually made me promise that I would tidy up LESS, because it was messing up his system of things he was supposed to remember and such. That's the first time anyone has ever said that to me. Ever.

Afterwards I went into the bathroom, stood in front of the mirror, put my nose up against the glass and stared into my own eyes. Then I said: "mother?"

Today I woke up with the urge to weed. My brain (which consists of the logical part, bergerac, and the irrational bit, tootie) was just coming to life and Tootie was already wide awake and screaming "weeeeeeeeeeding-time!" at the top of it's lungs. That part of my brain has wonderful lung capacity.

But fate intervened:

See that dark bit in the upper left corner? That's a UFO. Okay, so it's my finger. Never claimed to be a photographer, did I?

Have a song:

Momma's got a brand new bag! Or something...

Guess what I’m doing! No, that’s not it. You’re sick in the head, you are. Guess again! That’s it, you ought to be publicly flogged, you demented weirdo.

I’ll just tell you, shall I?

I’m surfing the world wide web with by brand new computer. It’s got a widescreen and everything. Even smells like new plastic, it does. I luves my new baby, and have decided to name it muffin. I like muffins. Wish I had one.

Moving right along…

I have an assignment do, and the work process has become complicated by the fact that I can now play The Sims on a big screen. Very distracting, it is. I mean, who has time to ponder the principal thoughts behind statistical differences in the means between two samples when you’ve got a little man giving birth to the alien-baby he got stuck with after being kidnapped by a UFO in another window? It’s hopeless.

But I’m trying my very best. Apart from right now, of course. Right now I’m doing this.

Little, green men

Sometime this weekend, I read in a newspaper article that this army-guy named Ford had retired, and was now worried about the fact that earth haven’t done anything to protect itself against attacks from the little, green spacemen that may or may not be fluttering above our heads in their flying saucers. According to Ford, there have been several reliable sightings of UFOs over the past few years.

Personally, if I ever saw a flying saucer, I wouldn’t tell a soul. Say that I’m out walking the pooch, and say that a UFO decides to swoosh above the treetops somewhere within my field of vision, that would just be my little secret. Hell, even if it landed right smack in front of me, sending out a short fellow with emerald green skin and eyeballs the size of a grown mans fists, and this little guy had a globe, or something, and wanted directions to The White House… Well, I STILL wouldn’t tell.

This attitude may, of course, change as the years go by. I plan to become one of those crazy, old ladies with long hair, insane dresses and humongous hats. All the children who see me will instantly think that I’m a wich, and the grown-ups will probably think I’m a nut, because I’ll look nothing like their dear old, blue-haired mums. When this time comes, I might mention it.

On the other hand, I don’t want to insult anyone by claiming that there’s no such thing as an unidentified flying object, simply because I haven’t seen one (and if I had, I certainly wouldn’t tell you lot). So if anyone of you would like to claim that you have a meaningful long-distance relationship with a spaceman, far be it from me to say that you don’t. If I had a UFO sitting in my garage, I would most definitely take it for a spin. Granted, I wouldn’t go very far, seeing how I don’t have any sense of direction whatsoever, and space seems like the kind of place where one might get lost. Still, would I have myself a little expedition? Sure I would. Would I go around kidnapping creatures that I met on my way, and impregnate them with my spawn? Not so much.

Well… Okay, maybe once. Or twice. But just for science, though.



Alien pic 1 by Roadsidepictures for www.Flickr.com
Alien pic 2 by Paulgi for www.Flickr.com
Space pic by Lakerea for www.Flickr.com