Tuesday, November 20, 2007

To go deaf or not to go deaf

Since I am going down the coast for a couple of weeks, this will be the last fascinating and terribly intelligent thing I'm going to share with you until I get back. Enjoy!

That's an order.

People can be divided into many categories. Two such categories are mumblers and non-mumblers. For some inexplicable reason, a great deal of the people that I hang out with here in Bigger Hellhole, are members of the first category. Over the past three weeks, this fact had me seriously wondering whether or not my hearing might be going.

I had started to become a bit worried, actually, always asking people to repeat what they’d just said. I thought I might need to get myself a hearing aid. I would cringe when I thought of the ones the old folks at the home, where I worked last summer, would wear. The kind that would slither around the back of their ears like some waxy leech. Half the time, the apparatus would make a high-pitched noise that everyone but the owner would hear. I pictured myself wearing one of those, and I didn’t like the idea. Besides, they’re all either grey or beige, both of which are colours that make my complexion look like death warmed over. Which is so not the look I usually go for.

Then luck intervened, and threw a couple of non-mumbler in my path last week. Rarely have I felt so relieved. In the future I am going to have to become friends with more typical non-mumblers, so that I can seek them out if I ever start to doubt my abilities to hear properly again.

How does a mumbler become a mumbler, though? Hasn’t anyone ever told these people to speak up? And shouldn’t it be a hint to maybe turn up the volume just a little, when the most common reply you get whenever you speak to someone is “huh?” I have noticed something interesting, though – A mumbler never seems to have any trouble deciphering what another of his/her kind is saying. This leads me to think that these creatures have hearing like bats, and might not be entirely human.

This time of the year, people also start wearing gigantic scarves, which aggravate an already difficult situation. Trendy, fun and colourful as a scarf may be, the already miniscule voice of a mumbler finds it very hard to fight its way through such a large, woolly barrier. This leaves perfectly normal people, such as myself, to wonder if they’re going deaf.

There should be a law against these things. And violators should be forced to take a course in how to speak so that non-batpeople can hear stuff that comes out of your mouth. All in favour, say AI!


tomshideaway said...

I'm all for any kind of lock down, I mean yeah start with mumblers, but can we lock up people that whine and people who quite obviously need deodorant?? Have fun on the coast!

Anonymous said...

I know, I know, I said I wasn't going to comment bcus I now have over 140 unread posts but...

When I get my new hearing aids, I'm considering painting them with purple sparkly nail polish!

Yeah, I'm weird. I've accepted it. You can too.

Jazz said...

Mumblers need to be slapped.

And locked up.

Big Brother said...

Mmbarems mmmyoumble mmmsuremble mmmyou'remble mmmnotmble mmmdeafmble... mmmmaybeble mmmit'sble mmmyouble mmmneedmble mmmtomble mmmtakemble mmmoffmble mmmyourble mmmearmuffsmble. ;o)

Jocelyn said...

On "Seinfeld," they called these folks "low talkers."

If you just nod and act like you know what they're saying, you might end up on network television wearing a big, puffy pirate shirt.

Have fun down the coast!

Nicki said...

I wore a hearing aid that fit inside my ear and would whine every time I smiled. One of the reasons why I didn't replace it when the dog ate it.

and I, for the record, am apparently a loud person.


Hageltoast said...

glad you aren't going deaf!

Tai said...


Adam_Y said...

Since losing a large chunk of my hearing, I've been forced to tell people on several occasions to speak a bit louder and to look at me directly, yet still some people prefer to communicate in a similar fashion to bats whilst facing away...

...I've found that just walking away from them is a perfectly adequate response that seems to get the message across - If you won't talk to me on a level I can understand, I'm going to find someone that will.

Too_Lively said...

I don't care what most people say, any way.

choochoo said...

Tom - of course we can. And we can poke'em with sharp sticks, too.

Dory - there is nothing wrong with being weird.

Jazz - and poked with the sharp sticks.

Big brother - someone bring me my sharp stick!

Jocelyn - somehow I've managed to avoid that, thank god.

Freak magnet - it wanted you to be miserable. It was the devil, it was.

Hageltoast - you and me both. Let's say it together: PHEW!

Tai - huh?

Adam - my mumblers follow me around...

Lively - just as well, probably. lol.

(S)wine said...

mumblers and fast talkers, all in one.
i cannot understand any of them.

Anonymous said...

Lol. Herring aids. Some people make fish noises when they laugh.