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Friday, October 27, 2006

The evil in its eyes...

Ever seen that Hitchock (or however you spell that) movie "the birds"? It had lots of different types of birds, but I can't remember seeing any swans there. If there's one thing I've learned over the years, it is that the swans are the ones you need to look out for.

I first started to suspect this when I was walking the dog one cold winter night. There's this lovely path along the river that we use sometimes. During the whole walk, I kept hearing little sounds behind me, but everytime I turned around they were gone, and there was nothing there. But after a while, I saw something moving out in the water. Right there, in the middle of the river, with it's eyes fixed directly on me, was a huge, white swan. It looked evil.

After that, it kept happening every time we walked along the river path. The swan would turn up and follow us, all the while it was staring at us, but it never once came out of the water.

Then, it was just before christmas (during that mild period we always have a few days before christmas eve, when everyone worries that we're not going to get any snow this year), we met a man. He was out walking all alone. He smiled and nodded at us. Said something along the lines of "what a pjutty woggie" (to the dog, not me) as he walked by. Then there was a mighty splash and an even mightier scream. I turned around to see the woggie-man run for his life with the swan coming after him, hissing like a snake. Never before have I seen a swan move like that.

I still walk on the river path every now and then. It's pretty. But the swan is always there. And I always bring my dog.


Picture by Chris Sainsbury

17 comments:

Jazz said...

Swans figure they can get away with being totally evil and people will overlook it (or not believe it's true) simply because they're so beautiful. But they are truly the devil's spawn.

For the record, maybe the swan was protecting you from the bad woggie man...

choochoo said...

if there were more people living in hellhole, so that more people would be using the path, rather than just a few dogowners every now and then, that swan would kill for pleasure.

Too_Lively said...

Maybe the swan was protecting a nest. Perhaps, the man had tried to steal an egg. Does anyone actually eat swan eggs?

If swans are truly evil, we should all start eating them. It's the only sure chance we have.

ticknart said...

Ducks are evil. They travel in packs and are not afraid of people because people feed them bread crusts. When I was little, I was chased by a pack of ducks when I was trying to feed them. At the junior college I attend, the local pack of ducks bit me for not feeding them. They're evil.

choochoo said...

Too_lively: I don't know, but someone should have eaten -that- swans egg.

Ticknart: The ducks around here are pretty stable, as far as ducks go. Maybe because nobody's feeding them breadcrumbs.

ticknart said...

Maybe it's just the well fed ducks who are evil, then, but I still won't trust any that aren't on my plate.

choochoo said...

if they're on your plate, you really can't trust them. They'll be crambed full of those breadcrumbs that turn them evil...

Jocelyn said...

Just to be perfectly clear: so the swan in question was an actual bird and not just the winner of that beauty makeover show "The Swan"--and she was chasing the man because he was a plastic surgeon who shaved a bit too much off her nose, rendering her face completely without character? Oh, okay. Must've been a bird after all. Geese are also really mean.

choochoo said...

If one of the non-bird swans were going nuts down there, I'd be using the path every day. And I'd bring something to sit on and snacks. Maybe a camera.

David said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZByndN_ffyw

you have to check this out. Turkeys, another of those dangerous birds.

David said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZByndN_ffyw

check this out. Turkeys, the other dangerous bird

slaghammer said...

Thanks for dropping by my blog. It’s reassuring to cross paths with a fellow Hickvillian every now and then. Your apparent sanity reinforces my belief that nature will ultimately triumph over nurture. Fate must have brought me to your blog as I have the antidote to your confrontational waterfowl issue. If you spread your arms wide, puff up as big as you can and walk slowly towards the males, they will usually bow to your superior bulk and will retreat. Psychotic birds of both sexes usually require something a little more proactive. You must identify the lead bird if there are many, wait until it is within striking distance, and gently but firmly kick the guano out of its little feathered rectum. Then spread your arms wide, squawk (optional) as loud as you can, and drive your defeated enemies back into the water. Word of caution, if you run, you are doomed.

choochoo said...

David - "as God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly" ... *evil snicker*

Slaghammer - Most people seem pretty convinced that I'm sane. With the exeption of those who really know me, of course. I bet after having used this method a couple of times, that'll all have changed

Tim Rice said...

Great story! Definitely gave me some chuckles. One should never turn one's back to a swan or a goose if you are anywhere near them. ;) But it's not just birds that one need to watch out for. I and my siblings were butted from behind more than once by some pet rams. :)

choochoo said...

Tim - a pet ram once ate my sisters lollipop. She screamed for hours. And people are afraid of tigres and snakes. Hah.

Phil said...

Oh yeah, swans are mean. In a bay near where I live swans attack people on jet skis all the time.

choochoo said...

if the swans were the ones on the jet skis, that would be really cool:D