Thursday, April 19, 2007

Wanna find bliss? Come to Helllhole!

Tom recently suggested to me that I’d write something about why people should move to Hellhole. After careful consideration, I have come to the conclusion that this is a very good idea. As a matter of fact, the house I’m currently renting is being sold in the fall, so if anyone, after reading this article, should begin to feel overwhelmed with the need to spend time in this fascinating town, they’re welcome to buy this humble abode.

First of all, Hellhole isn’t really called Hellhole in real life. As a matter of fact, it has a name which means bent. It lies in a larger geographical area which roughly translates into “place with sheep”. And indeed it is. This is the place to come if you want to knit your own sweaters, people.

But that’s not the only advantages, of course. Our brilliant politicians have come up with inexpensive ways to fill our lives with thrills and excitements. Who needs to go to amusement parks? Not us. Perhaps you want an example? Well, you know those nifty lines that they paint on roads so that you can cross safely without being smeared all over the concrete by passing vehicles? Well, here in Hellhole, those haven’t been repainted since I was a kid. Over the years, they have become more invisible than Britney Spear’s underpants. All of the locals know that they’re there and will gladly step on the breaks if you feel like crossing the street. Should the car racing towards you be from out of town, however, you are about to have a very exciting day, indeed.

Do you harbour a dream of joining a sect? Well, then this is the place for you. We have them all. And if you can’t find one that meets your fancy, you could just start your own. Since pretty much the whole town swims in the same gene pool, they’re not very complicated, and are easily recruited into these sorts of things. I would like to take this opportunity to point out that our family moved in from out of town.

Or perhaps you’re just one of those people who have difficulty keeping track of what you’re meant to be doing in the coming days or perhaps of what you have done in the past? That’s certainly not a problem around here. Just ask anyone and they’ll gladly inform you. Even if it’s someone you’ve never laid eyes on in your life. It’s like being famous without ever having lifted a finger. Fame without the hassle, with other words. For example: only very rarely will someone follow you home.

And where else would you get the golden opportunity to step outside your door in the morning, perhaps in search of a newspaper, only to step on some inhabitant of the surrounding woods with sharp teeth. Yes, folks, we have things living in the woods with teeth. Most of them are badgers. But there are also bunnies and deer. You don’t think those last two sound very exciting? Well, think again. The deer bring ticks with them, and that always makes life more interesting, especially if you have pets of your own. The bunnies tend to sneak into your house, hide beneath furniture and then jump out really fast, which can be quite a thrill. Just make sure your pacemaker is on, folks.
Speaking of mail – the mailmen enjoy spicing up our lives by placing your mail in other people’s mailboxes all around town. Every day is a treasure hunt and what could possible be more fun? Not much, I say.

With other words – come to Hellhole! It’s a wonderful place to settle down and your kids’ll love it.

Pic by Billypalooza for


tomshideaway said...

Bunnies ?? Bunnies can be very exciting !!

(S)wine said...

Hellhole is almost everywhere.

furiousBall said...

did you take the blue pill?

mist1 said...

I would think that with all those sheep, Hellhole would be very popular.

Jazz said...

And you're gonna miss it when you leave! :-p

jillie said...

Sounds like the Hellhole I grew up!

Evil Spock said...

The gf is heavily into knitting. It'd be hellhole for me, but sounds like the Garden of Eden to the gf.

Sornie said...

It sounds like a rural Texas town and with those sheep, those will be popular with everyone dipping their swimsuit spots in the same gene pool

Big Brother said...

The crosswalk thing sounds much like Québec, except here, even when the crosswalk is freshly painted, the cars accelerate when they see someone trying to cross a road. It's our favorite sport trying to dodge 1300kg metal speedsters out to get a new hood ornament. ;o)

none said...

I must live in hellholes sister city.

choochoo said...

Tom - That's what I'm saying

lx - It's nice to know that I don't suffer alone

Furiousball - It might have been blue. Might have been red. My brain shorts out sometimes. Especially when I'm offered edibles.

Mist1 - I know. And cows!

Jazz - Again: bite me:P

Jillie - Well, this is your chance to come back home

Evil spock - Maybe it'll just be our little secret, then

Sornie - It will, indeed

Big brother - I'm thinking that its a nice incentive for me to get my drivers license

Hammer - We should have some sort of ceremony

Jocelyn said...

You should be a realtor.

How about this for a post idea: do you want to escape Hellhole? Where to? And why?

Hageltoast said...

i'll be there next wednesday. ;)
ok, i won't but it sounds fun.

choochoo said...

Jocelyn - maybe some sort of travelguide on how to avoide new hellholes once you've escaped one

Toasty - I'm sure you'll be here in spirit