Tuesday, June 01, 2010

The Big Orange

As you may or may not know, I recently moved into a maniacs garage. I should maybe point out that it's a garage apartment. I'm not about to bunk down on top of a pile of powertools.

The maniac is a big orange fellow. His hair and enormous beard are orange, his skin is orange, his house is orange, the garage is orange and down the road he has a great, big orange mailbox. He also drives an orange truck. If his shrill, shaky voice was a color, that would be orange too.

Since moving in two months ago, I have been out of town twice. Both times Big Orange locked himself into my flat and had a good snoop around. Seeing how this bloke was clearly...uhm...unbalanced - not to mention annoying like a hemorrhoid - from the start, I never intended to live there for very long. Therefore I have been living out of boxes.

I should also mention that Big Orange is more than a little bit of a neat freak. He will spend all day chopping firewood in the field below the house because every log has to be the exact same size. He mows the lawn every Wednesday at the exact same time. Last Wednesday he did it in the rain.

Needless to say, he found my boxes absolutely shocking. I mean, if you're using a large cardboard box as a dresser, then clearly the world is headed towards a state of dangerous anarchy and you will be sent to the burning pits of hell when you go 'join the choir invisible' as it were.

I'm sure there are choirs in hell. Or Simon Cowell will start one up when he passes on.

But I digress. My point was that Big Orange locked himself into my flat and confrontation followed.

Nobody is going to tell me whether or not I'm allowed to own cardboard boxes, so I kept up business as usual. This weekend I went out of town again and yet again curiosity got the better of Big Orange.

I read somewhere that it takes a certain bodysize in order for any creature to develop intelligence. If the body is too small, your nervous system is also too small and too simple to enable learning. No ability to learn, no intelligence. Big Red is proof that there is always an exception to every rule: sometimes really huge creatures don't have the ability to learn, either.

Not only did I still have all my boxes, plus a couple of new ones (I went amok at a flee market) but I had also cleaned some towels and then just draped them over the rack in stead of hanging them properly. He immediately tracked down my mothers adress and went over there to inform her that I was now evicted from the apartment. Which I had no objections to at all. I mean, there is only so much relaxing you can do with a crazy psycho buzzing around in your yard.

I should be settled into my new place by this weekend, and then Big Orange can explain to the police how the tenants act doesn't apply in his magical kingdom.


Big Brother said...

Time to move Choochoo this guy is way too weird... I don’t know how he can keep anyone as a tenant.

Jocelyn said...

Holy crap, girl. I'm glad you're out, as--yea, you made this funny and all--but he's the type where escalation of behavior takes place.

What I still really want to know is what your mom said to him.

Beth said...

It was definitely time to move away from The Big Orange!

Maureen said...

Yikes! I never liked Orange anyway. I mean really, you can't even rhyme the stupid word.

Susie said...

Dinosaurs were really big with tiny little brains.

It's a good thing you are moving away...I can't believe he would go through your things, that would drive me crazy

Jazz said...

He went to your MOTHER????!?!?!?!

Creepy mofo...

70 days, 16 hours, 35 minutes and 32 seconds... ;-)

choochoo said...

I have no moved out. Left the key in the door and I'm never going back to that nuthouse again. Also reported the twisted bastard to the police.

kyknoord said...

You were living with the Oros man? I both impressed and appalled in equal measures.

kyknoord said...

am even