Monday, March 12, 2007

Entertaining acts of desperation

Over the past week or so, we’ve had a charming mix of rain, snow and sunshine. Charming in the way that Sylvester finds that yellow canary charming. By now, it looks as if King Winter has been violently ill all over my yard. On the other hand, I don’t really mind watching spring kill winter off. Hellhole is actually on the pretty side in spring.

There are a whole lot of Jehovah’s witnesses in Hellhole. I don’t know if I ever mentioned that? They have this theory that only 200000 or so people will be allowed into the party in heaven after they die, so therefore they have to do a whole lot of missionary work in order to earn their seats. I guess it’s filling up fast, because lately there’s been a certain air of frantic desperation over the local witnesses. They may be all smiles and friendly greeting when they creep up on you in the streets, but there’s something in their eyes that I can’t quite put my finger on. Besides, if I tried, they’d probably just make a scene about me poking them, anyways.

Before the weekend, for example, I was on my way to the salon, and I saw one of them standing by the crossroads with a pile of pamphlets. She tried to give me one, but I threw up my arms and ran away as quickly as I could, although not until I noticed the impressive size of her aforementioned pile. It must have been at least 200 pamphlets in there. At a spot where maybe ten people pass through every hour. And she hadn’t even pitched a tent. Now, that’s the kind of dedication that only springs from deep-seated desperation and extreme anxiety.

Later in the day, when I was sitting in my living-room with my hair looking no less than fabulous, feeling a bit miffed over the fact that nobody was there do admire it. The Pooch had hardly seemed to notice my new cut at all, although she had a short interest in the smell of the dye. I like that smell too, actually. Sometimes I turn my head really quickly, so that I can inhale the head-air, until I get dizzy and flowery scents no longer appeal to me as much.

And then I saw her.

It was the same woman that I’d met at the crossroads. She was making her way towards my house. She’d come over the river, across the bridge (well, duuh) to the outskirts of town in order to go door to door. They never used to cross the bridge before, because there are hardly any doors to go to here, but lately things have been changing. It’s like something out of Lord of the Rings.

For a brief moment I considered whether or not I was eager enough to have my new hairdo admired to listen to the “joyful message” and quickly decided that I wasn’t. In stead, I ran upstairs and amused myself by watching the woman struggle with the gate which cannot be opened because it’s half-buried in the snow (the one on the other end of the fence works just fine, but no visitors ever think to try that). Then, after she’d climbed the gate, she fought to make it up my wet, unshovelled (it’s going to melt in the end anyways, so what’s the point?) driveway in order to ring my doorbell.

I pretended not to be home, and then I watched her go through the whole process again, backwards.

I’m guessing that I’m not going to be one of those lucky 200000 to get a golden invite into the garden party upstairs.

Canary picture from
Garden party picture from
Bridge picture by Pooterjon for


Jazz said...

Who wants to go to heaven and spend all eternity sitting on a cloud playing the harp.

I think not.

mist1 said...

I always take The Watchtower and read it. I can't help it.

ticknart said...

Just hope that the Mormons don't make they're way to Hellhole in huge numbers, too.

Steven said...

Heaven is overrated anyway.

Togas aren't very flattering. ;)


none said...

Cool looking bridge. I miss those from my hometown. I can't stand the religious door to door thing. I know it's required of them but my participation is not.

jillie said...

I tell all of my friends that I will meet them in hell. Why go to heaven and be lonely?

Sornie said...

I do not take kindly to strangers peddling either religion or Amazing Miracle Cleaners. The cleaner story is long but I have never seen two kids more out of place, inner-city Chicago kids (one black, one either mildly retarded or extremely anti-social) walking the streets of a rural exurb where tractors can be seen on the main thoroughfares. I would pay, though, too see a religious zealot fight her way thru the snow to try and earn a convert.

Jocelyn said...

At least you'll burn in hell with a really cute 'do.

Hageltoast said...

tormenting door to door people is fun. I just have my sign these days, if they are dumb enough to ignore that...well....

choochoo said...

Jazz - Not me

Mist1 - You are deeply disturbed, aren't you? :P

Ticknart - They could fight eachother to the death and I could watch. That would be cool.

Steve - And it's really hard to pick the right accessories for a toga.

Hammer - Exactly

Jillie - A very good point.

Sornie - lol. Next time I'll sell tickets.

Jocelyn - I will. Although I hope to get my hair done many more times before I pack up.

Toasty - Yeah, but now the snow is melting, so I'll have to think of something else...

Demon32 said...

When they come to my door, I wait while they are half way through their speel and then I am like "Excuse I have to pause my porn, I am missing the good parts" They never come to my door anymore.

I miss them.

Anonymous said...

Damn that's funny..would have been a good You Tube Video watching her climb the fence...Great story!!

Cochise said...

Hi, Choo!

Wow! What a tale!!!
The poor lady was persistent and determined to earn her place in heaven, but, unfortunately, you were not interested and avoided the poor creature (twice!). I suspect that either you have already bought or earned a one way ticket to The Place, made an early reservation or you are building, somewhere in your house, a stairway to heaven. I bet that, when you get There, you’ll file a complaint and… sue the poor WOJ for harassment.

I’ve a little surprise for you on my Apache. Go have a look!

Accept a hug from the indian!

Tisha! said...

you're DAMNED!

I also barricaded myself when they came a knockin'...made my head spin to talk to them!

Tim Rice said...

I once worked in a quarry with a Jehovah Witness. Nice person; but I could never agree with the Jehovah Witness' point of view though I do take the Christian faith seriously.

choochoo said...

Demon23 - LOL. Maybe I'll try that some day.

Tom - Yeah. I could set up cameras around my yard to film them whenever they make an attempt. You know, like they do to shoot animals in the jungle at night.

Cochise - I'll accept hugs from indians anyday. Beats a scalping:)

Tisha - I'll see you in hell, then. We'll party.

Tim - I've known a couple of witnesses who were okay, too. Religion never really came up in conversation. Belief is a good thing. Knocking people over the head with it, however, is grounds for being forced to swim in snow. Buahaha.

Big Brother said...

Ain't they going to be surprised when they die and see that there is no heaven. They did all of that for nothing... You can always say to them when they ask you if you are saved, "Yes I am and Satan is my lord." My son did that once, and I've never seen Witnesses leave so fast. LOL

choochoo said...

Big brother - Afraid of a real challenge, were they? Wimps