Thursday, March 22, 2007

Welcome to Stalkers R Us. How may I help you?

Last time I discreetly touched on the topic that I had en exam yesterday. It is now today, and yesterday went bye-bye. So have the exams. It wasn’t completely horrible. As a matter of fact, it rarely is, although I’m always quite convinced that it will be beforehand. I came, I wrote, I went home and watched The Singing Detective.
In between I tried to find a replacement for the jeans I tore when I was climbing a fence, and the fact that nothing fit me properly and the hostile light in the clothing booth made me feel fat for a couple of hours. Then I got over it, ‘cause I’m not fat, dammit. When I got home, I ate cookies out of spite. I briefly thought about staking out the store, just to see if those tiny-size-people actually exist, but that would have been boring, because such a person would obviously be twelve years old. You can get in trouble if you stalk someone who’s twelve. I’ve seen that on the news. Of course, you can get into trouble by stalking anyone, really. But some people might like it. I think some of the elderly that I worked with last summer would have enjoyed being stalked.

Hey, maybe I could set up an agency? Stalkers R Us. It would be like an escort service, only completely different. In stead of conversation, the chance to impress your friends with Mr. (really good at pretending to be) Perfect and possibly the opportunity for some form of sweaty activity, we’d offer phone calls featuring heavy breathing and groaning, lots of reasons for your friends and family to show their love and concern through worrying about you and the thrill of having your underwear go missing.

How’s that for brilliant?


Hageltoast said...

can i hire a stalker please? I need to feel irresistably sexy so lots o underwear theft and possibly lude emails from addreses routed through finland or wherever is untraceable now.

Jazz said...

I know a couple of people I'd like to have stalked...

none said...

I've had one...the novelety wears off rather quickly.

furiousBall said...

Any form of attention is like drugs to me. So a stalker would be like attention heroin, I better not. I'd be on that A&E intervention with a group of my family in a room very soon.

Big Brother said...

Not me I hope, Jazz ;o)

mist1 said...

I'm with Hammer. It gets old almost immediately.

Frank Marcopolos said...

pretty brilliant.

Jocelyn said...

...and you'd never have to take another evil exam again.

It's genius. And you seem frighteningly equipped for it.

jillie said...

I can't say that I've ever had a stalker...that would DEFINITELY freak me out.

I don't like being the center of attention even with the people I know and love...yeesh!

tomshideaway said...

I can walk the stalk, Will we have uniforms??

Mr. Fabulous said...

Is it possible to hire a murderous stalker?

Tisha! said...


being stalked by you would probably be too pleasurable for me!

Cochise said...

Hi, Choo!

First - I'd like to say that medium-sized (you call “tiny”!) well-built firming tall gorgeous and glamorous people do actually exist. If only you had the chance to know me!

Second - I'M NOT TWELVE!

What's wrong with you, girl???


choochoo said...

Toasty - Sure you can. Just leave your panties somewhere where he can find'em

Jazz - I'll put one on the VI right away;)

Hammer - you need to rotate them. Then the thrill'll last longer.

Furiousball - Sissy:P

Big brother - hehe. It's just sisterly love.

Mist1 - Like I said: rotation

Frank - That's what I thought. I'm gonna be rich, me.

Jocelyn - Of course, but I wouldn't do it myself. I'd leave the actual work to my underlings. Hey, you wanna be an underling?

Jillie - But you'd be the center of attention from someone you can't see. That's different. I'll even give you a discount. Two for the price of one.

Tom - Sure. They'll be cool. I have my designers working on them right now.

Mr Fabulous - We'll provide all kinds of stalkers.

Tisha - It would, indeed. I thought I'd leave the actual stalking to others. I don't like straining myself at things that actually resemble work.

Cochise - Very sorry, darling. I should have known they were all for you:)

Too_Lively said...

My aunt received a prank call like that once with heavy breathing and dirty talk. She started a conversation with him asking his age and delving into his issues, and convinced him that a young man like himself should be out having fun and socializing.

(S)wine said...

stop looking at ME.

Anonymous said...

I am a stalker. How to stop?

PipPop said...

Brilliant, I'll hire one to stalk my maths teacher.

She's way too calm, needs some stress in her life.


While your at it, how about Crank Caller associate company?

"Want to wake your boss at 2 am? Sick of others peoples perfect lives? Crank Callers Co. is what you need!"