Thursday, November 23, 2006

The things that make me a terror bird

This post is inspired by the fact that I’m hungry and waiting for my lunch. I have a math exam tomorrow and cramming for it seems to empty my stomach faster than the most vigorous workout.

After my exam, I plan to celebrate my making myself lots of good things to eat and watching a DVD. That’s pretty much what I’m gonna have the energy for. As usual, I’ll probably be done eating before the credits roll by… And this isn’t because I eat so very little. No, it’s because I truly master the art of stuffing my face, that’s why.

An ex used to tell me that I ate like a bird. This is completely true if you take into consideration that a bird can scoff down about three times its own weight. I don’t really think that’s what he meant, though. The last time I can remember him saying this, was while we were having dinner at a friends apartment. We’d all chipped in for the food, and prepared it together, but the x-man had to work late, so he only saw the eating-part and not the shopping-part or the cooking-part.

I once worked as a kitchen assistant, and the chefs always had us try the food, to make sure that it was okay. After all, when you’re cooking something for someone else, you want to make sure that the meal is all that it can be. That it reaches its meal-potential, and all that. Unless, of course, you’re cooking for someone you really can’t stand. If so, you might be happy as long as the food places them firmly on the toilet for a while. Their own toilet, that is…

So while we were preparing the stuff, we tested it. Thoroughly. And once we had checked it once, we had to check it again, just like the song says. We figure out more or less how much food will be eaten at the table, and then we get twice as much in the store – because about half of it won’t ever make it out of the kitchen.

So that evening, x-man watched me picking my food, shook his head and said “You eat like a bird.”

Sure I do. Like the 10 ft tall, carnivorous Terror Birds that lived in South America about a million years ago.

I'll just leave you with this - the song that the monster in "Naked Space" sings:

I want to eat your face.

It could just be so yummy.

I'd like to have your face, in my tummy.

I want to eat your smile.

Your smile is so beguiling.

I could eat your smile, I'd be smiling.

I want to eat your knees!

Oh they would really please me.

So let me eat those knees, Don't you tease me!

bird picture by Procsilas for


Jazz said...

I realized just how wrong the "you eat like a bird" thing was when we got the cottage and I started buying birdseed. They get through 40 lbs of seed in just under a month. They just never freakin' stop eating!

choochoo said...

I know. It's a miracle that they can actually fly.

Anonymous said...

I think I'm a bird in disguise...

choochoo said...

you are definitly a much bigger bird than I am... :P